For Today At Least
by dogsandcoffeepots
Summary: It's not often the Master hears the Doctor cry. [Slash, thoughts on suicide]


It wasn't often that the Master saw the Doctor cry. It always came as something of a shock when he did. Yes, he'd _made _the other sob and beg for forgiveness or mercy (depending on his mood that day) but that was different. It was rare for him to find the Doctor upset of his own accord. Today was one of those times.

That night, he had been up later than the other, simply reading a book and trying to quiet the chaos in his mind, unable to even attempt to sleep through the drums. The TARDIS had been silent save for the small ever-present hum of her mechanisms working gently, keeping them in orbit.

He could feel the Doctor's misery in his mind long before he heard the muffled sobs from the Doctor's room. For a moment, the Master didn't move. He laid his book down and just listened, closing his eyes and _feeling _what was wrong, what was upsetting him.

"_Theta..." _he pressed the name into the other's consciousness, trying to gain his attention but he quickly came to realise the Doctor wasn't paying him any attention. He probed a little further into his mind, deeper than he needed to be in order to communicate.

The Doctor's mind was messy, panicked. And he could see why in seconds and Rassilon it scared him. He gasped and his eyes flew open immediately. The fire, the screaming, the burning... He'd recognise that anywhere. The Time War... The Doctor wasn't the only one to have seen it – not since he'd found himself in the Time Lock several years previously.

He shivered, forcing himself not to think about it. He got up and hurried through to their room, pausing by the door. The Doctor was curled up in bed, his hands thrown over his face, miserable sobs wracking his slender body.

"Theta..." he said quickly but firmly as he moved over to the bed. "Listen to me." He took the other's hands tightly and pulled them from his face.

The Doctor stared up at him with wide, terrified eyes, a haunted expression etched on his face. "Koschei..." he whispered breathlessly, not putting up any sort of struggle. "The War..."

"I know," the Master said gently, pulling him closer. "I can see it in your mind. But it's over."

"It's never over," the Doctor contradicted him, shaking slightly but letting himself be held. He wasn't looking at the Master – the other supposed he wasn't really looking at anything. "I can remember it. All of it."

The Master's hearts ached slightly – he knew his pain. He _understood_. He just wished the Doctor could see that. "I know you can. But it's over. I promise you it's over. It's just you and me now. I've got you. I'll always have you..." He kept one arm tightly around him, the other hand behind his head.

"It's never over... Not really..." the Doctor repeated, and the Master could feel his fingers clawing at his bare back, frantic and scared.

"Sssh," he whispered, turning his head slightly to kiss the side of the Doctor's face. "It is-."

"NO!" the Doctor snapped, pushing him back so quickly the Master hadn't even anticipated the movement. He watched in shock as the Doctor got to his feet and backed away quickly, one hand moving to his head, fingers locking in his hair. "It's _not _over, Kosch, it's never over. I can still remember it. I'm still alive. You're still alive. This war's not over so long as we live."

"Theta-," the Master began, getting to his feet slowly, keeping his eyes fixed on him.

"No, no, listen," the Doctor almost begged, taking another step back and holding up a finger to silence him. "It's not over even after-."

"Theta, _please-."_

_"_I KILLED EVERYONE AND IT'S STILL NOT OVER!" the Doctor screamed at him, his face twisted with agony and fear. "I killed them all..." he repeated quietly, weakly as he sank to his knees, one hand over his mouth. Tears dripped down has cheeks as his body shook helplessly. "I k-killed everyone and I-I thought the war would be o-over... But it never is... KOSCHEI IT NEVER IS! I can still see it... The Daleks... They're still out there somewhere... I tore apart so many lives but FOR WHAT? Kosch, it didn't help..."

The Master didn't go near him again but he spoke clearly. "Theta. Please listen to me-."

"NO!" the Doctor snarled, blind with panic. "I can't do this, Koschei. I can't live with it... I should have died with Gallifrey. I should have died with my people... my planet... I shouldn't still be here."

"Don't say that," the Master told him sharply. "Don't you _ever _say that..." He was scared now. Of course he was scared. He hated seeing the other like this, and part of him hated him for wanting to give up but he understood completely. Another part of him was furious at him for even contemplating leaving him here alone after everything they'd been through.

"I mean it-."

"Oh, _do _you?" the Master retorted hotly, grabbing him roughly by the arm. "Do you _really?"_

The Doctor tried to tug himself free but the Master didn't relent this time. He simply dragged the other to the console room, ignoring his protests and pleas. He glanced briefly at the screen to double check their co-ordinates before moving to the door, the distraught Time Lord in tow. "Koschei, let me GO!"

The other didn't reply to that. He tugged open the TARDIS doors to reveal the deep, black space. He didn't waste much time looking at it before turning to the Doctor whom he still had a tight grip on. "Go on then," he snarled bitterly, pushing him in front of him slightly but not relaxing his grip any. "If you want to die so much, _jump."_

There was silence between them for what felt like an eternity. The Doctor whimpered slightly, leaning back against the other, his eyes wide with fear as he stared out into the darkest depths of space. The Master kept hold of his arm but otherwise didn't do anything, he simply watched him for a moment.

"Could you really do it?" he whispered after a moment, resting talking into his ear and wrapping his other arm tightly around the other's waist. "Could you _really _just give up and lose everything...?"

The Doctor didn't answer but the Master could _feel _his panic.

"_Could you?" _he fed the question into the Doctor's mind this time, forcing him to think about it, forcing him to acknowledge it.

"Kosch..." the Doctor breathed, his hands gripping the arm around his waist so tightly the Master can feel his nails digging into his skin painfully.

"Could you _really _give up?" he whispered bitterly. "Could you leave me? Could you _honestly _just give up on everything and leave me on my own? I need you, Theta. I damn well need you and you're all set to die?" He pushed the other slightly closer to the door as he spoke, finding tears in his own eyes now too. "If you really feel that way, go on, JUMP!"

"NO!" the Doctor cried out, grabbing the doorframe with one hand, and throwing his weight back against the other. "No... Koschei please...Don't..."

And that was all he needed to hear. The Master pulled him back away from the door and let him fall to the ground. "Don't you _ever _think this would be better if you were dead," he snarled, slamming the doors shut and leaning back against him.

"Koschei..." the Doctor whispered, looking up at him from his position on the ground, tears dripping down his cheeks. "Koschei, I'm sorry..."

"I don't want you to be sorry," the other snapped, looking away from him frustration. "That's not what this is about... This is about..."

"What?" the Doctor whispered, hesitantly getting to his feet and moving towards him. "Koschei...?"

"This is about how much I need you," the Master said quickly, turning back to him.

Again, there was silence.

The Doctor simply stared at him for a moment before moving and wrapping his arms tightly around him. "...I know... I know you do..." he whispered quietly, burying his head in the other's shoulder. "But, _god, _Kosch, I'm so scared."

"I know..." the Master sighed, pulling him closer and rubbing his back soothingly. "I know. But killing yourself isn't the answer. You have so much left to live for. You have friends, you have people who give a damn..."

The Doctor mumbled an agreement in to his shoulder. "I'm sorry..."

"I told you, that's not-."

"Then listen to me when I tell you I love you," the Doctor said firmly, pulling back a little and resting his forehead against him. "Listen to me when I tell you I'm not going to give up on you... As long as you don't give up on me?" There was a strange pleading in his eyes when he spoke. He gently took the Master's hand, watching him carefully.

"Theta, if I'd given up on you, I wouldn't be here with you now," the Master whispered quietly, meeting the other's gaze evenly. "You'll be okay. I promise."

The Doctor nodded again, burying his head in the Master's shoulder again and just letting himself be held and reassured. "I _do_ care about you..."

"Ssh, I know, just go back to bed," the Master said gently, holding him close for a moment before guiding him back to their rooms, a crisis averted. For today, at least...


End file.
